I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
