I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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