That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
