Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
