She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
