is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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