She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
50% drunk capacity currently
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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