an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
