if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
