the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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