I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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