It's Friday. Sex?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
