I think i peed on brittanys purse
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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