he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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