I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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