So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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