I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Are my feet made of real feet?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
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I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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