somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
