Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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