fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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