I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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