I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
