I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
