then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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