im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
