I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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