did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
