I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize