I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
