I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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