I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
