he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
