You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
even my farts smell like vagina
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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