He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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