do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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