Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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