so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
