JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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