i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Two words: blizzard sex
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
