and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
