I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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