NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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