my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
