we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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