Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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