your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
