before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
