and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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