Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
