I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
