And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
