Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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